It’s 12:00 midnight twenty days into 2018.
I have a busy day ahead in the next few hours, but, there is something I just can’t shake until I let it out of my system.
The last few months, I had to deal with issues that are possibly uncomfortable to some, but, certainly is not always welcomed on my end: tension and pressure.
The tension and pressure I experienced surfaced through all channels in my life, from my personal life, finances, volunteer activities, living situation, especially my career and jobs, and most importantly — my future.
Normally, I am able to handle it with less emotions or reaction and remain professional.
But, since after Halloween until Christmas, I was regrettably a ticking time bomb, that immediately reacted to any fuse of tension or pressure.
In the midst of being reactive and seemingly out of control, I made attempts to control situations or people that are not necessary of being controlled. When I was called out for acting that way, you can only guess how I took it…
After the self-doubt and self-loathing subsided after those episodes of reactiveness and anger, I forced a social media detox and just took time for myself in solitude and that time I would have spent just scrolling through timelines and newsfeeds was spent with my loved ones.
If you know me personally, you know that I am extremely sociable and thrive off of collaboration. So inevitably, the first month was difficult. It made me more irritable and it was ugly.
I was more self-aware of how others were treating me and their moods/tones and took those too much to heart.
At the tail end of December, before the new year, in the midst of being butthurt from dealing with awkwardness, being ignored, my reactiveness, and all the tension and pressure, I finally either: 1) came to terms with how things are going and just accepted it; or 2) realized that I cannot control what I am not meant to and what I can just focus on is just myself, how I can react and be better; or 3) all of the above.
With those lessons and newfound peace, those around me certainly noticed the difference in my demeanor.
“The last few weeks it was like you had this chip on your shoulder,” was one of the comments that a close friend said to me.
If that person were to have said that to me even just the week before, my face would probably have gotten flushed and I’d react with sarcasm to make myself feel redeemed in some odd way.
But, at that point-in-time, I had come to the decision to focus on myself.
Now, the one thing I’d hate for people to think of me as is selfish.
But, the quote, “You can’t pour from an empty cup,” brought me back to earth and to remember the need to refocus back on the source of how best to deal with how I am feeling — with my own self.
I decided that I need to start early with my spring cleaning.
Spring cleaning my life.
If I didn’t enjoy volunteering with all my heart for an organization or position anymore… I quit it.
If I saw my time was dedicated too much to a distraction… I deleted the app/program or unsubscribed to it.
Now, I am making a vow to take care of all the aspects of my life that gets shuffled to the side while I am so focused on my career and jobs, such as my: finances, relationships with friends and loved ones, organization, health, fitness and wellness, diet, and even my future career. All the while detoxing or eradicating pointless or less-important activities, distractions, or people.
Twenty days into the new year and I have been able to manage my time well to the aforementioned aspects of my life and although that comes with scarily new changes that need to be made, I just want to say that I am extremely grateful I had to falter and even burnout a bit to get to this realization.
Before, I used to make excuses and prioritize my career and jobs to ignore it all. But, almost a full month in, I have come to the realization that it is all possible to juggle.
Though I am doing a spring cleaning in my life to determine my priorities, my life has never felt fuller or more satisfied.
Anyway, I have slipped into delirium and I am oddly seeing my laundry bag swing on its own, so I think it is very obvious that I need to get some rest.